I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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