i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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