we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
