Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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