just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
