Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
