I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
