My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
