My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
