Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
