I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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