Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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