So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
