At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
