Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think I just sharted jello shots
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