why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
