We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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