Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
