I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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