My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
