Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
