my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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