Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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