Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
