How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
