she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
