Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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