If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
