I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
