Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
