I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and she was petting her beer can
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Oh god it's open bar.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
