My Higher Power is John Stamos
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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