Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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