If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
