So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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