I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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