I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
