Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
