life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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