You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
