why didn't you poke me back
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Of course I have a pirate flag
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
