Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
