i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
