Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
