I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
