if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
