My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
