Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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