Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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