We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
then he tried to convert me to islam
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
