you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
