So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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