A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
