We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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